worry

The lack of certainty shrunk as fast as the man opposite drank from his mug. This was the moment he had been dreading for some time. Although it was strange, the uncertainty of this even occurring had been dwindling faster than that mug. But the day is now here. Potential now present.

Worry is a strange sensation. Worry materialises when the future presents itself as harmful to the self. Yet the future is utterly unpredictable. So worry emerges mostly as fantasy, from fantasy. But that didn't matter. It never does. Worry still infects, it still stabs, it still causes pains. He had read the books, listened to the talks, taken the courses, but no matter the effect made he couldn't become friends with this anxiety. He wanted to welcome it. Experiencing the human condition at its fullest was something he always clamoured for. But oh what he'd give to remove anxiety from the equation.

So what now? The dread of its arrival was reaching its ending. The meeting was now happening. The man had guessed its purpose correctly. A new equilibrium was now on the horizon. And the worry changes form. The intensity remains but the reasoning has changed. But why does that matter anyway? How has he not realised that it's always there, it'll always be a part of him, wherever he is, whatever he does. The feeling is constant and likely not to be usurped or defeated.

Moments after his boss steps away from the empty mug he gets a phone call from his idol. His cousin informs him that he might need some money. The man tells him his own news. The cousin speaks with sadness and fear, even with his understanding. The waviness in the cousin's voice was a sound the man had never heard before. He felt bad that having it made him feel good.

The man ordered another coffee – his first purchase as an unemployed member of society. While waiting for the coffee to arrive he pondered about the future, hundreds and even thousands of years ahead, in fact. Even during the drinking of the hot, refreshing beverage he continued the thoughts. He wondered if his descendants – the future of the species – would feel these same feelings he was feeling now. The context would be different, that was near inevitable, but these core sensations, will they be the same? Unless biology changes, probably. He took solace in this thought. A smile tugged at his face as he thought of the billions of humans, all full of worry, yet continuing to live anyway...

[#5 / 05.11.2019]