Oh Yeah, I Can Marry You

Four years ago yesterday I became an ordained minister. I discovered the news this morning while reading (deleting) my emails. There in the Subjects, amidst the coupons and offers and deals and pleas was: “Happy 4-year Anniversary, Rev. Samuel”, directly from the Universal Life Church Monastery.

I frequently forget that I’m an ordained minister and each year I always chuckle when I see this milestone celebration email. The main reason I don’t constantly forget is that I have the official document that confirms I have been ordained saved somewhere on my phone. Every now and then I see the certificate pop up as I’m scrolling through my gallery of images. Actually, it isn't the official document, it’s an illegitimate copy. The image I have has “COPY OF ORIGINAL ONLY. NOT OFFICIAL DOCUMENT” watermarked over it. To have the genuine certificate would cost me $39.99 (without shipping). I’m content with the free fake.

In the body of the text the writer of the email - who writes these? Is it a human or a robot? - celebrates the date, asks how I am doing, and then ponders whether I am making full use of my status. I think “full use” to the robot/human is spending as much time on their website and money on their products as possible, for the remainder of the email suggests activities such as checking out their exclusive resources and adding “a bit of flair to your clergy outfit” by considering “picking up an official ULC stole!”.

I am being too cynical. I’m sure they just want me to be the best ordained minister I can be. They do say, “there’s a good chance you’re a pro at this by now”. How could I feel any warmer? They also tell me I can always keep learning, that they’re honoured to stand by my side, and they give the wise advice that “those who seek perfection rarely attain it”. Those are some sweet sentiments, truly.

I visited their website to remind myself of the principles of this religion I somewhat belong to. In the ‘about us’ page there’s a section that explains that there are “two core tenets by which it expects its ministers to conduct themselves”.

The first: “Do only that which is right”.

But what is “right”? Do you mean morally or financially or ethically or environmentally or personally or any of the other lys?

The second: “Every individual is free to practice their religion in the manner of their choosing, as mandated by the First Amendment, so long as that expression does not impinge upon the rights or freedoms of others and is in accordance with the government’s laws.”

Even though I had a problem with the word “right”, I preferred the first tenet to the second. The second was too wordy and mentioned a piece of paper that was written on hundreds of years ago that needs an update to suit a far more advanced society. Nevertheless, the tenets had an aura of sweetness and warmth and kindness to them, and so I didn’t sprint to tear up my minister card. I was content with remaining as part of the organisation. I mean, ultimately, religions, even universal ones, always want the best for all of us at their core, right?

I just returned to the email and this time I read it in its fullness. There’s something I missed. (Apologies, I should have read the sweet message in its entirety earlier). The email is signed off by a “Sister Paula”. So a living someone wrote these words after all! I feel very relieved. In this moment of time, the fact that the Universal Life Church Monastery hasn’t resorted to using A.I. to write their messages may be the greatest blessing amongst all of this. You know, maybe I will purchase that proof of ordainment certificate after all.