Flips Over Conversation

I’ve been thinking about conversation recently. There have been so many thoughts relating to it that it seems I’ve reached a chapter of lapse. What I mean is, I think I’ve forgotten how to have a conversation. It all started with my ears.

I’ve been listening to conversations - at work, between family and friends - and I’ve come to a conclusion. It seems as though a favourite topic is the mutually known person. The mutual person is usually a friend, sometimes just an acquaintance, can be a family member, and, if I’m allowing them to feature, sometimes a celebrity.

The conversation becomes a discussion about this person whom both parties know. There’s usually a confusion at the centre of the talk. Perhaps the mutual has made a decision that the talkers disagree with. Maybe that decision was the breaking of a relationship or the quitting of a job. There are many possibilities for this type of talk, perhaps that is why it is so ripe.

Sometimes I accidentally find myself in this situation. I am having a chat and then a mutual person is brought up by the other. They mention the mutual’s action and sometimes ask my opinion on it or, and this is more likely, state their opinion on the matter. Well, the former always leads to the latter, anyway.

Sometimes I even go into it! I am that person! I partake in the discussion and am led into the, what about this, they shouldn’t have done that, that can’t be right, i don’t know, did you hear what they said, did you hear what the other said, what they did, what they’ll do, how they did it, they’ll regret it, this is how it’s meant to be. I have eaten it all. I am a fellow devourer.

However, I do not understand it. Why would I want to talk about the mutual person? Why would I care to speculate or attack or belittle or criticise or laugh at a person’s struggle? Because it is usually negative, and it is usually about a person’s ‘wrong’ choice. It’s conversation that’s typically just anti-whatever the person has done or not done. And, you know, usually it’s just to distract from the speakers’ own doubts, pains, worries, problems, anxieties. Lets shamefully analyse this mutual so we don’t feel bad about our own choices and upcoming decisions.

Here, in my fancy chair, with my fancy thoughts, I look dooowwn, all the way down. It is not good conversation. I do not care of mutual person in this moment. I care for fellow speaker. I want to know of fellow speaker. Tell me your you, what are your plans, who are you, who are you, how are you, what are you. I have you in front of me! Give me the inner workings of your mind. I want to go deep inside your brain. You are more immediate to me. I want the immediate. I want to feel. I want to know. Give me your eyes. Let's feast on what we are seeing, what we are feeling.

I am judging a route of conversation. I call it bad when it isn’t, really. Bad conversation doesn’t exist, right? Conversation is conversation. There is talk and no talk. There is no good or bad. I said I look down. I said it in jest. But I said it with sincerity, also. I should not look down. My height is an illusion. I am on the ground. There is no looking down. If my head is down it is under the ground. I would be an ostrich. Don’t be an ostrich. Don’t bury.

Now, I’m not sure if I’m even accurate in what I was saying. Are the words in those conversations as negative as I say they are? Is that type of talk actually constructive? Perhaps it’s just a way to navigate our own lives. Perhaps it’s a safer way. Perhaps it’s even an empathetic way. We put ourselves in mutual’s shoes and we wonder what we would do. I had got it all wrong, perhaps.

And this talk I am confused about is the root of conversation. Gossip is the origin. To be critical of that is to be critical of all of the species' original activities. But we evolved. Surely conversation must do too. No?

I don’t know. Perhaps not. As I said, there is no bad conversation. Talking is an act of exploration. If you don’t like the environment you’ve found yourself in, check out what’s over there in another land. Bring the boat to another shore. Sail away. You can sail anywhere. Anywhere the sea flows. There are so many oceans.

Well. This exploration was a funny one. I am probably going mad. What am I doing? I’m dissecting this? Help me. Someone talk to me. Get my activity away from my mind and to my mouth. I must set sail.

[04.07.2023]